Dusting off the Blog and My Heart

Wow.

Life has been a rolling along and my poor blog has been entirely neglected by it's owner. Poor little bloggy. Welcome to the world of facebook. Blogs are nice for people who can really write, but facebook is where it is at for those who have a very, very short attention span. Eh, hem.

*long thoughtful pause followed by a sigh* I can't believe all that has taken place in my life in the last six months. One mentionable high on the list in the part of my mind that never sleeps is, well, my Dad.

I do feel numb that my Dad is going to die soon. It feels weird and strange for me. I can't imagine what it might seem like for him. For the Christian, is death really that joyous thing that happens when you are safely ushered into the arms of Jesus? I'd like to believe that, but as I sit here and think of what it would be like to die when I still have kids and a husband to love, sadness overwhelms me at the thought of it(the "d" word), even as a Christian, dare I say.

I'm dusting off my blog to tell nobody, somebody what I feel about this death thing. Personally, and without much "pat-answer, Christian reason" I don't think death is fair sometimes. I don't think it's fair that little children have to suffer and die in this world. Many or most of you would agree. On the same level of unfairness, I think is my Dad being broad-sided, without warning, by cancer and impending death at 69. I have no intention to shake my fist at God. I trust His judgement on the whole, but in times like these I wonder, well, the proverbial question: Why?

There is much unfinished business and much to understand and to forgive. Is it fair that he should slip away, peacefully in his sleep without coming to grips with all that he has done? Most of you don't understand where I stand or where I come from, but I need to know why people die and leave behind so much unfinished business behind them. I guess it is not for me to know, maybe. And, at this point, does it really matter?

As I write all this in my attempt to dust off my blog I realize that I need to dust off my heart as well. I have become callouse towards my Dad. I don't hate my Dad, but the trap of holding on to the past and the present, for that matter, keep me in a place of indifference that I don't want to be, especially now since these could very well be the last days that he has on this earth.

So I'm asking God to help me. I need help loving him and letting my heart be affected by his sufferings...because I am a Christian. I struggle to have the mind of Christ. I know I can love my Dad without a return of that love, but it is hard. It's hard not to have your father's love, in life and in especially in death. It's very, very hard. I'm a non-person to him and I have to let all the pent up emotion and feeling that surrounds that thought...I need to let that go.

And by God's grace I will. I surely will.